Only for you Sho,

I have many apologies that are just too late. In vain I write this invisible letter that will never be seen by you. How can I say I’m sorry without saying it over and over? We were precious, I can’t let it go.

It’s been many years since I left you, but today it feels like the first deep cut. I’ve lost something that is so much more than me. It’s so much more than just being a part of me. When I think of you I think of my identity. Who I am. Never in the past tense with a sense of self reflection or self pity.

You held onto who I was as life moved forward making me stretch myself beyond what modest means I have to be a good person. But with you I heard words of unconditional friendship, love, affection, honesty. Whenever I struggled I had your thoughts and words to help me shape an identity that I can live with. And now that I know I can never get this back I can only describe it as frightening to have lost you as you were my identity. I’ve lost the only person that truly knows me, more than my father, more than anyone ever. And now the ties have been cut. I’m truly alone.

If I set you on your path, please blame my short comings. I once told you that you can’t listen to your parents insistence of an arranged marriage. Now, maybe with self pity I feel it’s my mistake, but perhaps he can provide you with what I couldn’t. Im not a stable person. I can’t provide for you.

I let you go as I was a fool. I said to you I felt our sensibilities were too different. How could I have said such nonsense. We were a perfect pair. I made you laugh with tears of happiness for hours on end til it was time to sleep. I told you endless stories and watched you listen with marvel like I was the most interesting person you ever met. You gave me so much joy – to be able to make you smile and laugh like that. Your joy was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. I can’t ever replace that feeling in my heart. I made you happy. How could anyone say that’s not enough? How dare I feel it wasn’t enough and talk of sensibilities?

After I broke up with you, I slowly realised how precious we were. I could see in a new light how patient you were with me. You were the first person to treat me with unconditional love. You never once judged me. Only supported me. Let me be who I was.

The night we broke up you bravely began that conversation and first asked why I hadn’t written the letter to you about our problems as I had promised. I never wrote that letter. I apologised then and we talked. But tonight with tears down my face I know that this is that letter.

I will never forgive myself. With grace I will always be carried by grief but the weight of the shame I’ll have to endure. I no longer have you to forgive me unconditionally and I’m not man enough to forgive my self. My apologies over and over will be my version of hell. This invisible letter that never met your eyes, kindness, joy and unconditional love.


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